but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
