He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
