omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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