So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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