How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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