Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So much Jack, so little girl.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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