Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
