You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
