This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
