is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
