For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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