I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
