If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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