So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
