just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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