I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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