i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
