there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
