MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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