i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
