Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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