Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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