Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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