So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
