it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
