Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He passed out mid-signature
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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