highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
