just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
