I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
