I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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