Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
