i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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