New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
