This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
