My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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