i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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