Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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