Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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