i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
