Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
