im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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