my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
