I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
