I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
