I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
