There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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