we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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