She is in my trunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
