Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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