His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
