Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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