i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And then my night got REAL pukey
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
